An annoying need to prove myself

Lately, I've been feeling pretty good. I've been accomplishing my goals with my thesis and I will graduate this December. The response from people that have read it have been very positive and it makes me feel like the extra time I took on it was really worth it. This week I needed to find a document for my portfolio and when I finally got it, it made me a little sad. The document was a reminder about my struggles last year.

Just for a little context about me: I don't like to admit when I can't do something when I really want to do it. I'm especially stubborn if I have a strong desire to do the task well. For example, this summer we went on a cabin campout with Brian's family and there was a ropes course where you climbed up a hanging vertical log, shimmy on two ropes over to another tree where you then zip line down. Somehow I believed I could do it. Just for a little more context, I am nearly 100 lbs overweight and haven't seriously worked out on a regular basis since 2009. Why did I think I could do this? I have no idea. Guess what? Despite giving my best effort, I wasn't able to do it.

Anyway, I took on my internship last year and it was hard. But I wanted to do well, so I worked really hard. But the job was harder than I could have imagined and it never got easier, it just got more and more difficult. It drove me crazy because I didn't want to "just get by" on this job, I wanted to be awesome! I remember going to internship class and hearing one of the students say that at one of her schools there was nothing to do. This drove me even more crazy, because I was up to my ears in work at both schools. So I put in tons of extra time at work and at home and it never got better. I had to face facts that my best at that point was just not good enough to meet the demands that were given me. That was really depressing for me because I always believed that more hard work should answer all problems, but in some cases a skill level needs to be there. And let's face it, it was my first year and I didn't have all the skills I needed. I was acquiring them as I went, but it was too late to entirely make-up for their lack at the beginning. The only thing that made me feel better was that the other intern in my district was also having the same exact problems that I was having. So maybe it was the system and not just me. Maybe that's why they only let the interns in that district this year work part-time (I'm sure the budget also played into that decision as well).

Maybe this whole thing still bothers me because I haven't had the chance yet to prove that I can be awesome at that job. I'm a teachers aide right now, not a school psychologist. I already know I'm awesome at being a teacher's aide because I've done it in the past with excellent results. I guess the best medicine will be to find the right fit for me and excel, so that way I can be one of those people who say that their struggles taught them to be better.

Passing!!!

Yesterday was a nerve-racking awesome day. It was the day I defended my thesis. This research was long and complicated. It took a loooong time to get through it. When I wasn't able to finish before the standard graduation in August, I was really unhappy. But yesterday made up for it all.

The teacher I work with at the state hospital let me give my presentation to the girls we work with and it was good practice. The girls were awesome and asked questions and were actually engaged in the presentation, which was amazing since it used a lot of technical terms and I would not generally think that it would be a topic of interest. But they were great :)

Then it was time to present to the people that would decide my fate. Thankfully, I had a really positive experience with my committee and I received a lot of positive feedback for my hard work. Of course there were changes that were requested, but overall it was nothing major. It made me feel like the extra time invested was worth it.

One of my committee members is a presenter and major supporter of the Principal's Academy at BYU. She told me before I started my presentation that she had talked about my research in her presentation that day and given me credit. Sweet! That's a good way to start. Afterward she emailed and told me to be proud of how I had presented, how I had taken the changes and the overall work I had put into it. That was awesome.

My thesis chair told me it was one of the most positive defenses she had ever attended. Usually committee members hesitate to sign paperwork until they see the changes they requested fulfilled, but my committee members sign no problem.

Even better, Brian was able to come to the last half and waited with me while the committee deliberated. That was really nice because he was able to entertain me so I wouldn't get nervous. After everything was said and done, Brian and I went out to dinner and enjoyed a nice evening together. Before the night was over, Brian brought out another sample of my favorite chocolate.

Back in Easter, Brian noticed that I love Cadbury mini eggs. On his way home from work one day, he noticed that they were all on sale and bought several bags. (The exact number I have no idea). He has hid them somewhere in the house. Considering I would gobble them all up with no abandon, I don't look for them. Brian pulled out two bags for my birthday. Some more on some days when I have been sad and he pulled out some more today to celebrate the happiness of this moment of triumph.

August was a month for babies!

In the month of August two of my friends had babies. One of them was expected and the other was a little early. So maybe two isn't that many, but it was a big change for two of my friends, so it felt big.

On August 7th, my best friend Jaime had her cute little guy Russell.

I am cuddling Russell for the first of many times.

Brian cuddling Russell for the first of many times.

Because Jaime and Tom spend a lot of time with us, Russell ends up spending a lot of time with us as well. And he has been a fun addition to our crowd :)

Later in the month, my friend Kimberlee had her baby boy a little bit early. They were expecting him in early September, but because of some high blood pressure problems, Kimberlee was induced the same day she came in for what she thought was going to be a simple check-up. So we made another trip to the hospital at the end of August to meet Daniel.

It has been awesome getting to know these little guys. They are really gentle, nice babies. For sure, these guys will let you know if something is wrong, but they can be soothed pretty easy. Hopefully, my future kiddos will be as sweet as these little guys.

Remember Me?!

I used to blog sometimes.... My last post was concerning my new job. Oh boy, that job was a doosey! And then on top of the super busy I got married!

Getting married was probably the best part of last year. Everything else was pretty terrible. Don't get me wrong, I loved, loved, loved working with my kids, but it was a difficult year. I worked at two very high demand schools. I often felt like I was doing the job of 4 people! I survived it all only to find out that my position was cut. I was replace by low-paid part-time interns. Sad. It was hard to leave all the kids behind and the teachers that I had worked with. The kids were harder to leave behind because I can be facebook friends with the teachers, but I lose contact with the kids. I worked really hard to create a good therapeutic relationship with each of my students and to have to leave that behind was aggravating. The busy-ness of my job prevented me from finishing my thesis, so graduation was delayed so that was a double fail for me.

We consoled ourselves by going to the temple, going home for visits, working hard on my thesis and looking for a new job. Sometimes we combined all of those things.

A month after my internship job ended, I was able to secure a job at the Utah State Hospital. I was initially interviewed over the phone while I was still an intern. Someone was picked over me, but it didn't end up working out for them. So they called me in July for a second interview and hired me at the end of it.

BOY am I glad! It helped ease the sting of losing my other job and there were so many benefits of this job. So I'm not a school psych here, just a teacher's assistant. I work at the school at the state hospital with the Girls Youth unit. I really like it! Yes, it is half the pay, but here are some positives:

• 5 minutes away instead of 1 hour
• WAY less gas money as I'm not driving 100 miles a day, plus driving all over the district
• A small, tight-knit faculty and staff
• A caring principal
• A great school psych working there that I can learn from
• The patient's stay is generally less than a year, so if we were to leave Provo, it'd be easier to leave this job than another school psych job.
• Less responsibility (If someone runs away, I'm not blamed)
• More time to spend with Brian (when school is done, I'm done!)
• More time to actually FINISH my thesis
  

So although we're a little bit poorer, for the most part we are much happier. Life was uncertain for a bit, but everything is good now. There's still questions for the future and uncertainty, but things tend to work out.