An annoying need to prove myself

Lately, I've been feeling pretty good. I've been accomplishing my goals with my thesis and I will graduate this December. The response from people that have read it have been very positive and it makes me feel like the extra time I took on it was really worth it. This week I needed to find a document for my portfolio and when I finally got it, it made me a little sad. The document was a reminder about my struggles last year.

Just for a little context about me: I don't like to admit when I can't do something when I really want to do it. I'm especially stubborn if I have a strong desire to do the task well. For example, this summer we went on a cabin campout with Brian's family and there was a ropes course where you climbed up a hanging vertical log, shimmy on two ropes over to another tree where you then zip line down. Somehow I believed I could do it. Just for a little more context, I am nearly 100 lbs overweight and haven't seriously worked out on a regular basis since 2009. Why did I think I could do this? I have no idea. Guess what? Despite giving my best effort, I wasn't able to do it.

Anyway, I took on my internship last year and it was hard. But I wanted to do well, so I worked really hard. But the job was harder than I could have imagined and it never got easier, it just got more and more difficult. It drove me crazy because I didn't want to "just get by" on this job, I wanted to be awesome! I remember going to internship class and hearing one of the students say that at one of her schools there was nothing to do. This drove me even more crazy, because I was up to my ears in work at both schools. So I put in tons of extra time at work and at home and it never got better. I had to face facts that my best at that point was just not good enough to meet the demands that were given me. That was really depressing for me because I always believed that more hard work should answer all problems, but in some cases a skill level needs to be there. And let's face it, it was my first year and I didn't have all the skills I needed. I was acquiring them as I went, but it was too late to entirely make-up for their lack at the beginning. The only thing that made me feel better was that the other intern in my district was also having the same exact problems that I was having. So maybe it was the system and not just me. Maybe that's why they only let the interns in that district this year work part-time (I'm sure the budget also played into that decision as well).

Maybe this whole thing still bothers me because I haven't had the chance yet to prove that I can be awesome at that job. I'm a teachers aide right now, not a school psychologist. I already know I'm awesome at being a teacher's aide because I've done it in the past with excellent results. I guess the best medicine will be to find the right fit for me and excel, so that way I can be one of those people who say that their struggles taught them to be better.